At Home with Phil Baty

Chair Number 4
(Photo by Ryan Riggins on Unsplash)

Early evening in the Baty household. Phil is busy rooting through the kitchen cupboards. Mrs Baty comes in. 

Mrs Baty: Phil, what are you doing? And why are all these tins of soup all over the floor?
Phil: I'm ranking.
Mrs Baty: I beg your pardon?
Phil: I'm ranking. With an R. It was complete chaos in the soup cupboard. I couldn't tell which was the most popular soup flavour. I've done a serious, robust qualitative study of all respondents (n=1), and I'm delighted to announce the winner of the inaugural Times Higher Soup Rankings. Cream of Tomato is at number 1 with 100% of the allocated soup points.

Research England Launches 'Old MacDonald' Funding Suite

On the farm: E-I--E-I-O
(Photo by Stijn te Strake on Unsplash)

Regular readers will know that there's a special place in our hearts for funders and policymakers who use random letters of the alphabet to name their initiatives. The European Commission are past masters at this, realigning all of their thematic directorates to the letter P in February, and launching a '3 Os' agenda in 2016.

Not to be outdone, the newly-flush Research England is making great headway in getting on this bandwagon being a leader in this field. Keen eyed applicants may have noticed that their two most recent schemes, Expanding Excellence in England (E3) and International Investment Initiative (i3), are a bold and brave attempt to shoehorn a vaguely descriptive title into a single vowel.

Meanwhile, in Oslo...

Norway: Jealous.
(Photo by Mikita Karasiou on Unsplash)

As we glory in the sunny, post-Brexit uplands of Britannia resurgent, more evidence has reached us of the 'envy of less happier lands.'

The Norwegian parliament in Oslo is currently in deadlock over ways to fully split its people and cause disbelief, hilarity and ill-will amongst its closest neighbours. As we know, this is the aim of all governments, as it gives people something to talk about in the awkward downtime between seasons of Love Island and I'm a Celebrity.

Ps and Qs

'My names Paquet. Jean-Eric Paquet'
(Photo by David Sinclair on Unsplash)

While the UK political class implodes and SS Great Britain steams with grim determination towards the Brexit iceberg, DG Research has other priorities. Yes, it's time for a reorganisation.

The Right Trousers

EPSRC, in a bold move, has chosen small business owner Wendolene Ramsbottom to be its Executive Chair.

The Rise of the Flexigator

A fully balanced flexigator diet of a block grant burger and side order of study leave
Photo by Edward Franklin on Unsplash

With the rise in vegetarianism and veganism, meat eaters with a conscience are having a difficult time. They enjoy meat, but they don't want to appear like they don't care about animal welfare or the future of the planet.

Luckily semantics is at hand to help them out. 'Flexitarianism' is the new name they invented to suggest that they've given some serious thought to things, and that, whilst they'll still eat anything they want, they might occasionally eat a bit less meat and aren't adverse to a lentil or two.

The success of 'flexitarianism' has had an unexpected effect on the world of research funding. It has been adapted by those academics who really care about grants and external funding, but don't actually want to change any old habits.

At Home with the Gyimahs

Millet-based breakfast at the Gyimahs. Yum (photo: CC0, via MaxPixel)

Universities minister Sam Gyimah told the UUK Conference this week that universities had 'not risen to the challenge' of replacing research opportunities after Brexit. Now read on.

Open Access: Europe's Plan A-R Explained

A publisher mansplains 'Titanium OA'
(photo: Rawpixel via Unsplash)

There was much excitement in Brussels this week with the publication of 'Plan S', the European Commission's plan to make all scholarly publications resulting from public research funding open access from 1 January 2020.

But the big question is: what happened to Plans A-R? Robert-Jan Smits, Senior Advisor on Open Access within the European Political Strategy Centre, spoke exclusively to Fundermentals.

'It was a long and difficult process,' suggests, Smits, 'and it took us many months and an awful lot of coffee.'

Smits set out the process that they had been through to reach Plan S, and the 18 previous plans that got them there.

Having his 'Cake'

After the summer break, welcome back. We're back with a bang and a brand new lookalike. Over at the subsection of the UKRI behemoth that deals with creative types, the AHRC, a new Director of Research took the helm before the summer.

Yes,Chris Morris, the former presenter of The Day Today, the seminal take on rolling news coverage in the 1990s, is back. Taking satire to a whole new level, the new show will poke fun at the insanity of modern quangoery, and in particular life inside a nine-headed pushmi-pullyu.

Any similarity to Edward Harcourt is, of course, entirely coincidental and completely outrageous.

To Infinity and Beyond

Horizon Europe: an artist's impression

Those of you with long memories may remember the naming of Horizon 2020. There was a competition to come up with a shortlist of names. This was then put to a public vote. Horizon 2020 won by a mere 270 votes. The runner up was Imagine 2020, which frankly sounds more like a futuristic question than a bold title.

This time round they've eschewed a public vote in favour of a decision by an anonymous group, with an announcement slipped out in a blogpost written by Carlos Moedas. I really can't think *why* the EC may have been nervous about putting things to a public vote.

Rodney Takes over European Research

In a surprise move, seen by some as offering a soothing pat on the head to the off shore asylum formerly known as Britain, the European Commission has appointed Rodney Trotter as the new Director General of DG Research and Innovation.

He succeeds long term incumbent Harvey Keitel, who held the position for eight years. He was a highly regarded Director General, but great things are expected of his successor.

'He knows how to hold his nerve and remain steady,' said an unnamed source very very very close to Jean-Claude Junker. 'Although he appears to be playing second fiddle to a loudmouth chancer with delusions of grandeur, he actually has very little to do with David Davis - I mean Jason,' he quickly corrected.

Any similarity to Jean-Eric Paquet is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Trotter

Paquet

'The Triumphant Demi-God'

A research administrator in action (photo: Tilemahos Efthimiadis, CC BY 2.0)

ARMA HQ. Hamish MacHamish is flicking through proofs of the Association's newsletter, 'Newsletter of the Association of Research Managers and Administrators'.

H MacH: Stephanie! Stephanie!
Stephanie MacBales (for it is she): Yes Hamish?
H MacH: I've been reading the new newsletter.
S MacB: Isn't it wonderful! Some excellent articles this term.
H MacH: Yes, yes. Very good. The only trouble is, well, the name.
S MacB: What's wrong with it? It says exactly what it is: 'Newsletter of the Association of Research Managers and Administrators'.
H MacH: Well there's no denying that.
S MacB: What more do you want?
H MacH: Well we're a thrusting new professional organisation now. We've got guiding principles. We've got a Strategic Plan and Implementation Framework. It's got five key pillars. Not four, not six. Five. Which I believe is just the right number. We need a thrusting new title to reflect that!

UKRI: the Movie

The poster for the new movie, to feature John Kingman

Well, it's all become clear.

The secrecy, the spiralling budget. The recruitment of John Kingman. For a long time UKRI just didn't make any kind of sense.

But this evening, all has been revealed. 20th Century Fox has announced that it has been in talks with the UK government over the third in the Kingsman spy series, to be based around a shady and little understood but extremely powerful organisation that controls every element of society.

Dude, Who's Got My Twitter?

@NIHR, apparently. Or possibly a forgotten Britpop band

It's a fast moving world in the Twittersphere, and you have to be quick to bag the Twitter handle that is, well, your birthright. Some, such as @BBSRC, were super sharp and got theirs [shame they won't be around much longer - Ed], although that might be more down to the implausibility of any other person/organisation having that acronym. But what about others who were - um - a bit slower or have common arconyms? Dude, who's got my Twitter?

A Self Cleaning University...with Timer

Self cleaning...with timer

A branch of Currys-PCWorld. A couple wearing matching cagoules wander in clutching a copy of Which? They're immediately accosted by a man in a tight fitting suit and lanyard. 

Lanyard Man: Good morning! Is there anything I can help you with today?
Cagoule Man: Ah...yes. Yes, actually. We've come for a university course.
Lanyard Man: A university course? I think you've come to the wrong place...
Cagoule Man: I don't think so. See, we subscribe to Which? We have done since 1947 when we weren't sure which coal scuttle to invest in. Anyway, we saw that as well as dishwashers and vacuum cleaners they are also reviewing university courses. And we'd like to buy one.

'Chatty Man' to Advise Govt on Science

The Government Office for Science has announced that Professor Alan Carr, former Head of Innuendos and Early Evening Light Entertainment at GlaxoSmithKline, will be taking over as the the Government's Chief Scientific Adviser.

'This is a very exciting time for me,' said Carr. 'My first priority in the role will be to get 'alanatomy' accepted by the UK scientific community as a legitimate research discipline. Which it is, of course. After that I'll move on to less important things like climate change and stuff.'

Any relation to Dr Patrick Vallance, the prime time talk show host, is, of course, entirely coincidental.

'Are you - or have you ever been - a victim of anti-Brexit bias?'

Wanted: McCarthyites for fun times. 

Dear Daily Mail

I am writing this by candle light inside a small cupboard in the so called 'Registry'. The Anti-Brexit Stormtroopers are everywhere. They march down the corridor at all hours, banging on our doors, demanding that we remove all signs of Britishness including our Great British Bake Off calendar and our National Trust poster, checking to see that all of our measuring jugs are metric and that we know all of the words to 'Ode to Joy.'

They are monitoring our thoughts with their sophisticated Remainer mind techniques. I know it. I am trying to keep my mind blank so that they don't pick up on my desire for a return to a time when we were allowed to holiday on polluted beaches and watch Benny Hill and the Two Ronnies on endless repeat. Before all those Apple Macs and skinny lattes came along and spoilt everything.

Nana Mouskouri to lead ESRC

In what was described by Research Professional as a surprise move, the Government has appointed Nana Mouskouri as head of the ESRC.

'It was expected that the position would be filled by a senior researcher from the University of Oxford,' said RP. Instead, Theresa May plumped for seventies crooner Nana Mouskouri. 

'There is no truth whatsoever in the scurrilous rumour that the PM only chose her because her song 'By Persistently Praying' offered her a way forward on the Brexit negotiations,' insisted a No 10 spokesman.

Any resemblance to Prof Jennifer Rubin, Director of the Policy Institute at KCL, is, of course, entirely coincidental.

You Wouldn't Let It Lie

Big news in the short-staffed Department for Exiting the European Union. They've managed to get Bob Mortimer, partner of Vic Reeves, to step up to the plate as its Chief Scientist.

This is excellent news. In these troubled times it's important to have clowns and comedians at the helm. I mean, it worked for David Davis, didn't it?

Any relation to Chris Jones, the Department's Director for Justice, Security and Migration is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Mortimer

Jones

University Academy College Church Firestation 91

Street Fighter II: 'The big one'

A press release from Fundermental Towers University

In preparation for our fifth anniversary celebrations on 27 November 2017, Fundermental Towers University (FTU) is today announcing an exciting new venture.

FTU was founded in a glorious golden shower of publicity in anno domini 2012. Since then, we have completely transformed the higher education landscape in the greater Rochester area, from the strong and stable R2D2 strategic alliance, to the bold and brave rebranding exercise, to the exciting and enormous renaming the titles of all of our senior managers and faculty. And don't get me started on the Monopoly set and 'Latitude' Prize.

No, no one can accuse us of being laggards. However, our critics - like the splitters at Snodhurst University who have decided to leave the R2D2 Alliance citing 'musical differences' - are suggesting we've run out of steam.

Nothing could be further from the truth, as our new venture will today prove. I am delighted to announce the creation of the UK's very first 'University Academy College Church Firestation 91'.