Coronavirus: a message from FTU

Pigeon: an option
(Photo by Viktor Forgacs on Unsplash)

Fundermental Towers University

2 Acacia Avenue

Rochester

Kent

WE-R GR8

Dear valued member of staff

Coronavirus

I am writing to let you know that, henceforth - or is it forthwith? I never can remember - all of our teaching will be delivered virtually to ensure that none of our valued students give us a scathing review on the NSS. 

Seeking an Extension

Donnez-moi la mort (Photo by Mathew MacQuarrie on Unsplash)

Emotions ride high as extensions to deadlines are sought, and nowhere more so than at Fundermentals Towers University. Now read on.

University Academy College Church Firestation 91

Street Fighter II: 'The big one'

A press release from Fundermental Towers University

In preparation for our fifth anniversary celebrations on 27 November 2017, Fundermental Towers University (FTU) is today announcing an exciting new venture.

FTU was founded in a glorious golden shower of publicity in anno domini 2012. Since then, we have completely transformed the higher education landscape in the greater Rochester area, from the strong and stable R2D2 strategic alliance, to the bold and brave rebranding exercise, to the exciting and enormous renaming the titles of all of our senior managers and faculty. And don't get me started on the Monopoly set and 'Latitude' Prize.

No, no one can accuse us of being laggards. However, our critics - like the splitters at Snodhurst University who have decided to leave the R2D2 Alliance citing 'musical differences' - are suggesting we've run out of steam.

Nothing could be further from the truth, as our new venture will today prove. I am delighted to announce the creation of the UK's very first 'University Academy College Church Firestation 91'.

Faster, Higher, Stronger

It was reported this week that the House of Lords regarded the Government's proposal to categorise universities as gold, silver and bronze as 'extremely damaging'.

Here at Fundermental Towers University (FTU) we wish to distance ourselves from the peers' narrow and antiquated disgust with a viable and popular rating system. Those aged lords and bishops just need to get over themselves and get with the times. Don't they realise that everything is rated these days, and there is no finer system than one based on Olympian metals?

In fact, we would encourage the Government to go further in aligning with the Olympic ideals. Not only should the TEF use these labels, but universities should be expected to demonstrate the Olympic ideals of Citius, Altius, Fortius, or Faster, Higher, Stronger. 

'No Amount of Aromatic Spice Poppadoms Will Hold Us Back'

Phileas Fogg: FTU 'invested heavily'

Here at Fundermental Towers University we've always strived to be the very best small university. Throughout our great and glorious history, stretching back for more than a quarter of a decade, we've nurtured a forward thinking, imaginative ethos that has served our students well.

Not only have we linked with similar small-scale centres of excellence in the wider Rochester area to form the R2D2 Consortium, but we have also launched the prestigious Latitude Prize to seek answers to the most pointless and irrelevant questions of our time. We've even sought to rename both our office holders and the institution itself. I do not wish to appear self-aggrandising, but I would suggest that we are probably the finest small university in the world.

'All Hail the High Priests of the Eureka Temple!'

Senior management arrive for work

At Fundermental Towers University we are always keen to learn from others. Not only are we intending to rename our institution in the spirit of the King's rebrand, we are pleased to announce that all our academics will be given new and exciting titles in line with Bristol's recently advertised 'Associate Dean of Eureka Moments.' 

Eaae Ie Oi Aae

Coming up with a good name for a university is a fraught activity. One needs to give the impression of being steeped in tradition whilst being modern, thrusting, and super-innovative.

As you can imagine, it took countless hours in committee to decide on 'Fundermental Towers University'. Members were clearly divided into two camps, those that wanted Fundermental Towers University, and those that wanted to pay homage to the site of our campus, and call ourselves Acacia Avenue University.