UKRI Opts for a Simples Future

'The king is dead; long live the queen!' With this triumphal proclamation from the battlements of Death Star House, the change in UKRI was announced, resounding across Swindon, to all the furthest roundabouts and even to the Oasis Leisure Centre.

Coronavirus: a message from FTU

Pigeon: an option
(Photo by Viktor Forgacs on Unsplash)

Fundermental Towers University

2 Acacia Avenue

Rochester

Kent

WE-R GR8

Dear valued member of staff

Coronavirus

I am writing to let you know that, henceforth - or is it forthwith? I never can remember - all of our teaching will be delivered virtually to ensure that none of our valued students give us a scathing review on the NSS. 

Seeking an Extension

Donnez-moi la mort (Photo by Mathew MacQuarrie on Unsplash)

Emotions ride high as extensions to deadlines are sought, and nowhere more so than at Fundermentals Towers University. Now read on.

University Academy College Church Firestation 91

Street Fighter II: 'The big one'

A press release from Fundermental Towers University

In preparation for our fifth anniversary celebrations on 27 November 2017, Fundermental Towers University (FTU) is today announcing an exciting new venture.

FTU was founded in a glorious golden shower of publicity in anno domini 2012. Since then, we have completely transformed the higher education landscape in the greater Rochester area, from the strong and stable R2D2 strategic alliance, to the bold and brave rebranding exercise, to the exciting and enormous renaming the titles of all of our senior managers and faculty. And don't get me started on the Monopoly set and 'Latitude' Prize.

No, no one can accuse us of being laggards. However, our critics - like the splitters at Snodhurst University who have decided to leave the R2D2 Alliance citing 'musical differences' - are suggesting we've run out of steam.

Nothing could be further from the truth, as our new venture will today prove. I am delighted to announce the creation of the UK's very first 'University Academy College Church Firestation 91'.

'Bird of a Feather' to Join UKRI

In an announcement that has shocked the sector, Birds of Feather star and national treasure Pauline Quirke has been appointed as Programme Director of UKRI, the umbrella organisation for bringing together the Research Councils, organising the REF and distributing Brexit sweeteners.

'Whilst I very much admire her acting talents, her appointment to this pivotal role has taken me by surprise,' said Professor Gymslip Plimsole, Vice-Chancellor of Fundermental Towers University. 'I just hope that she gets on okay with Mr Gimlet.' 

Any similarity to Anne Dixon, Chief Operating Officer of Innovate UK, is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Quirke

Dixon

Faster, Higher, Stronger

It was reported this week that the House of Lords regarded the Government's proposal to categorise universities as gold, silver and bronze as 'extremely damaging'.

Here at Fundermental Towers University (FTU) we wish to distance ourselves from the peers' narrow and antiquated disgust with a viable and popular rating system. Those aged lords and bishops just need to get over themselves and get with the times. Don't they realise that everything is rated these days, and there is no finer system than one based on Olympian metals?

In fact, we would encourage the Government to go further in aligning with the Olympic ideals. Not only should the TEF use these labels, but universities should be expected to demonstrate the Olympic ideals of Citius, Altius, Fortius, or Faster, Higher, Stronger. 

'No Amount of Aromatic Spice Poppadoms Will Hold Us Back'

Phileas Fogg: FTU 'invested heavily'

Here at Fundermental Towers University we've always strived to be the very best small university. Throughout our great and glorious history, stretching back for more than a quarter of a decade, we've nurtured a forward thinking, imaginative ethos that has served our students well.

Not only have we linked with similar small-scale centres of excellence in the wider Rochester area to form the R2D2 Consortium, but we have also launched the prestigious Latitude Prize to seek answers to the most pointless and irrelevant questions of our time. We've even sought to rename both our office holders and the institution itself. I do not wish to appear self-aggrandising, but I would suggest that we are probably the finest small university in the world.

A 'Cunning Plan' to Lead Million+

Word has just reached Fundermentals Towers that Million+ has taken the brave decision to put Baldrick in charge. Well, not Baldrick so much as the actor Tony Robinson who played the hapless character. What could possibly go wrong?

Any resemblance to Prof Dave Phoenix, VC of London South Bank University, is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Phoenix

Robinson

'All Hail the High Priests of the Eureka Temple!'

Senior management arrive for work

At Fundermental Towers University we are always keen to learn from others. Not only are we intending to rename our institution in the spirit of the King's rebrand, we are pleased to announce that all our academics will be given new and exciting titles in line with Bristol's recently advertised 'Associate Dean of Eureka Moments.' 

Eaae Ie Oi Aae

Coming up with a good name for a university is a fraught activity. One needs to give the impression of being steeped in tradition whilst being modern, thrusting, and super-innovative.

As you can imagine, it took countless hours in committee to decide on 'Fundermental Towers University'. Members were clearly divided into two camps, those that wanted Fundermental Towers University, and those that wanted to pay homage to the site of our campus, and call ourselves Acacia Avenue University.

The Rochester By-Election: the View from FTU

A message from the Vice Chancellor of Fundermental Towers University (FTU)

As many of you know, FTU's main campus is located at 2 Acacia Avenue, at the very heart of the dreaming towers of Rochester. No surprise, then, that the world's media were keen to know what our response was to the recent election of the Ukip's second MP in our constituency. To be honest, I was seething. That upstart Reckless stole my victory.

FTU Monopoly

As you can imagine we were very excited to learn about the special edition of Monopoly that the University of Kent is producing as part of its fiftieth anniversary celebrations.

We here at Fundermental Towers University (FTU) are celebrating our own landmark. Can it really be 26 and a half months since we were established?

We feel it is only right and fitting that we follow Kent's lead and have our own branded Monopoly set. In addition to spreading the word about our excellent work, an FTU Monopoly set would have two clear advantages:

Fundermentally Redesigned

So long, 2009.

In September this year it will be Fundermentals' fifth birthday. That's scary in itself: when I started writing this we were in the dog days of the Gordon Brown government, all the talk was of the next REF being entirely metrics-based, and Horizon 2020 was still being talked about as FP8.

Build Yesterday Tomorrow: the Launch of the Latitude Prize

A press release from Fundermental Towers University. 

The Latitude Prize 2014

'The Vice Chancellor and Council of Fundermental Towers University are pleased to announce the launch of the Latitude Prize 2014. Whilst the Longitude Prize is seeking to solve one of the greatest issues of our time, the Latitude Prize is seeking to answer one of the most pointless and irrelevant.

FTU Bids for Regional Study

The VC and PVCs of FTU, getting into the Dickensian spirit

It may surprise readers to learn that the announcement of an AHRC/Design Council funding call focussed on Bristol/Bath was greeted with fevered excitement at Fundermental Towers University. You might reasonably have thought that, whilst FTU had expanded its sphere of influence to the very edges of the Kentish peninsular through its strategic 'R2D2' collaboration with Ebbsfleet White Horse (Unrampant), Snodhurst and Deangate Ridge Golfing Academy, this call was too geographically remote to be of interest to FTU. Not so.

Brenda Blethyn to Be New Chief of BBSRC

News has come through on the wires that the BBSRC has appointed a new Chief Executive. Imagine our surprise, at Fundermental Towers, that they decided on our old friend Brenda Blethyn. The national treasure will forever be in our hearts. However, we did question her knowledge of biotechnology and biological sciences.  The more paranoid amongst the Faculty are saying that her staring role in Secrets and Lies gave her insight into the development of funding policy. I, for one, couldn't possibly comment. Suffice to say that we were pleased that this Ramsgate girl has risen to the top in Death Star House, and wish her every success.

Blethyn

Hunter

Bear Sh*ts in Woods Shock!

Pope: Catholic, apparently.

Well, you may have noticed that things have been somewhat quiet over at Fundermentals Towers. Yes, I've been away, furiously eating Easter eggs and huddling by an electric fire to keep warm.

I returned this week and found a great story to kick start a new season of blogging. On 5 April Research Fortnight reported that BIS had published a report that concluded that 'the richest universities take the lion's share under dual support'.

This must rank, for news worthiness, along side the recent discovery of the Pope's Catholicism. Yes, the biggest, most research intensive universities really do get most of the government's research funding. What are they going to discover next? That knowing more about stuff makes you cleverer? That drinking coffee makes you jittery? That dogs bark and cats miaow? That the 1994 Group lacks direction?

I guess what does make it interesting is the scale of concentration, and what that bodes for the future. The top 10% of universities (in terms of income) get 64% of the Research Councils' funding. The second 10% get 20%, the next 10%, the next 4%, until you get to the final 40% of universities which get nothing. Interestingly, this distribution has altered little over the last decade, which calls into question the belief that RCUK are moving to concentrate their funding on the big hitters.

So I shouldn't be so scathing. There's gold in there, but you just have to dig for it.

A Sierra-Fuelled Dawn

The Shuttlebus, in R2D2 livery, awaits its first customers

Following the commendable example of the Universities of Bristol, Bath, Exeter and Cardiff in forming the GW4 collaboration, we are pleased to announce that Fundermental Towers University will be forming an alliance with its sister institutions in the wider Rochester area.

The research intensive universities of Fundermental Towers, Ebbsfleet White Horse (Unrampant), and Snodhurst, together with Deangate Ridge Golfing Academy, will form a strategic alliance to explore and identify opportunities where their combined research strength can more effectively address global challenges, as well as getting an impressive discount on stationery costs.

Professor Gymslip Plimsole, Vice-Chancellor of Fundermental Towers University and former contestant on ESRC's T Factor, welcomed the news. 'This is an exciting day for the wider Rochester area, and the impact will be felt right the way from The Esplanade in the West to Tinker's Alley in the East. Together the 'R2D2' collaboration of universities is more than the sum of its parts. With a total turnover in excess of £7.83(sterling), these four royal and ancient seats of learning will create an unstoppable critical mass of ground breaking research.'

'We have already commissioned a 'shuttle service' between the universities', continued Plimsole. 'I have had my son Kevin, our Transport Officer, source and purchase a 1983 Ford Sierra which is ideal for the job. We hope to paint it in the colours of all four institutions. When combined these come out as a rather fetching puce-brown. Fortunately most Sierras of that age came in that colour, so there may be no need for a repaint. See? This collaboration is already saving us money!'

'Whilst we are all excited about the bright new Sierra-fuelled dawn ahead of us,' concluded Plimsole, 'there are still a number of details to iron out. The most important of these is the biscuit selection for our intra-R2D2 meetings. I know Snodhurst have a penchant for jammie dodgers, but we at Fundermental Towers have more refined tastes. For us, it's custard creams or nothing.'

'Excellentiam per cognitio, innovatione et interdiu TV'

The Dreaming Spires of Rochester

We were delighted to learn that Fundermental Towers has been selected as one of a tranche of 'new' universities announced by the government today. Institutions no longer have to have 4,000 students to be classified as a university. Instead, institutions need only have three part-time students in order to join the likes of Oxford and Cambridge in the upper echelons of knowledge providers. I am very pleased to announce, then, that the ancient seat of learning formerly known as 2 Acacia Avenue, Rochester, will become Fundermental Towers University.

Break open the Asti!

Whilst we do not, strictly, meet the minimum criteria for student numbers at the moment, we believe we can make a start with what we have. Our children are broadly defined as 'students', albeit school age, and both the dog and the cat have demonstrated some interest in learning, even if it is just in finding out when feeding time is.

Yes, these are exciting times for Fundermentals University. Once I've completed the latest Cosmo questionnaire, I will make a start on filling in our REF submission. I will then move on to establishing an overseas campus at our Eurocamp tent on the Costa Brava. Finally, I intend to finance my retirement extend the opportunity for learning by offering mail order degrees a distance learning programme.

I would like to extend an invitation to all Fundermental subscribers to join us at our leafy North Kentish campus where all our undergraduates, including Rover and Tibbles, live by our motto: Excellentiam per cognitio, innovatione et interdiu TV, or 'Excellence through Research, Innovation and Daytime TV.'

Open Access: a Field Guide

Many of you may have been confused by the murmuration that surrounded the release of the Finch Report in July. Fear not: as part of its public service remit Fundermentals brings you a field guide for bewildered academic twitchers.

Goldfinch
Top of the Finch family is the Goldfinch. The Goldfinch swoops and soars on (peer-reviewed) thermals, it's golden plumage shimmering in the autumn sunshine, free for all to treasure and enjoy. But those golden feathers are expensive to maintain, and whilst bird watchers and publishers love it, academic landowners are concerned about how they can afford to allow this bird to fly free.

Greenfinch
More dowdy than its golden cousin, the Greenfinch is more of a ground dweller. It hops around fields and hedgerows, opportunistically seeking out a place to store its cargo of nuts and berries. Unfortunately this winter harvest often goes unnoticed, as most twitchers have their binoculars focussed on the brasher, flashier Goldfinch.

As well as these two beautiful birds, the Finch family also includes the Chaffinch and Bullfinch. The debate surrounding Open Access has allowed Chaff and Bull to prosper, to such a degree that there's a danger that they might overwhelm the other species. We at Fundermental Towers keep our binoculars trained nervously on the sky.

Thanks to Simon Kerridge for highlighting this ornithological display.