A Sierra-Fuelled Dawn

The Shuttlebus, in R2D2 livery, awaits its first customers

Following the commendable example of the Universities of Bristol, Bath, Exeter and Cardiff in forming the GW4 collaboration, we are pleased to announce that Fundermental Towers University will be forming an alliance with its sister institutions in the wider Rochester area.

The research intensive universities of Fundermental Towers, Ebbsfleet White Horse (Unrampant), and Snodhurst, together with Deangate Ridge Golfing Academy, will form a strategic alliance to explore and identify opportunities where their combined research strength can more effectively address global challenges, as well as getting an impressive discount on stationery costs.

Professor Gymslip Plimsole, Vice-Chancellor of Fundermental Towers University and former contestant on ESRC's T Factor, welcomed the news. 'This is an exciting day for the wider Rochester area, and the impact will be felt right the way from The Esplanade in the West to Tinker's Alley in the East. Together the 'R2D2' collaboration of universities is more than the sum of its parts. With a total turnover in excess of £7.83(sterling), these four royal and ancient seats of learning will create an unstoppable critical mass of ground breaking research.'

'We have already commissioned a 'shuttle service' between the universities', continued Plimsole. 'I have had my son Kevin, our Transport Officer, source and purchase a 1983 Ford Sierra which is ideal for the job. We hope to paint it in the colours of all four institutions. When combined these come out as a rather fetching puce-brown. Fortunately most Sierras of that age came in that colour, so there may be no need for a repaint. See? This collaboration is already saving us money!'

'Whilst we are all excited about the bright new Sierra-fuelled dawn ahead of us,' concluded Plimsole, 'there are still a number of details to iron out. The most important of these is the biscuit selection for our intra-R2D2 meetings. I know Snodhurst have a penchant for jammie dodgers, but we at Fundermental Towers have more refined tastes. For us, it's custard creams or nothing.'

The 94 Seven Join and Leave another Mission Group

'Please sir, we're looking for a mission group to join.
And leave'

The Council for the Defence of British Universities was launched today to act as a champion of traditional academia in the face of current economic and policy challenges. Welcomed by many in the Sector, including the British Academy, the launch was marred somewhat by the fact that it was followed shortly after by news that seven of its original members had decided to leave.

'Membership of the Council for the Defence of British Universities does not reflect the type of university we are, nor sit well with the future direction of the University’s strategy,' said Bath's VC, Prof Glynis Breakwell.

A spokesman from the University of Surrey concurred. 'The decision to leave the Council has not been taken lightly and reflects the University’s response to the changing higher education environment. It will continue to seek and develop new, mutually beneficial relationships with other leading UK and global academic institutions, and intends to leave further umbrella groups as and when the opportunity presents itself.'

It is believe that all 7 founding members, who have also left the 94 Group recently, are intending to apply for membership of rival mission group, The Council for the Destruction of British Universities, otherwise known as The Department for Business, Innovation and Skills.

Bath to Join Million+ Shock

Coffee time in the Million+
Senior Common Room

Following its departure from the 94 Group, Bath has shocked the sector by applying to join Million+ rather than the Russell Group.
'Membership of the Russell Group does not reflect the type of university we are, nor sit well with the future direction of the University’s strategy,' said Bath's VC, Prof Glynis Breakwell. 'The Russell Group is perceived as too 'Old Skool', and we feel the future lies with Million+'.
However, it is still uncertain whether Million+ will accept Bath's membership application. 'To be honest, I'm not sure we want them,' said Million+ Chair, VC of the University of East London, and former Avengers star Prof Patrick McGhee. 'Current members will have to vote on whether we want to admit a pre-92 institution to be in our gang.'
Other universities have tried and failed to join Million+. It is understood that, when upstarts Exeter, York, Durham and QMUL joined the Russell Group in March this year Oxford, Cambridge and Imperial tried to jump ship and join the elitist Million+, but were refused.

'It's a Sad End to a Great...Um...'

Medics were today called to a house in the leafy home counties to try and resuscitate a local celebrity.

Known only as '94', the once glamorous patient had recently cut a shuffling, slightly confused figure, and friends had become increasingly concerned by his apparent lack of direction.

'He used to corner people at parties,' confided one university, that wished to remain anonymous. 'He'd plead with them to be his friend, to join him. When they didn't, he'd start to rant and swear. It was frankly embarrassing'.

Lately he had been seen at bus stops in the dodgier university towns, with a can of Special Brew, shouting at the passing cars. On more than one occasion the police had to be called, and one of his fourteen remaining friends had to bail him out.

It is believed that 94 had issues around maintaining his position in society.  When passers-by started to concentrate their funding elsewhere his friends abandoned him, and his descent accelerated.

'It's a sad end to a great..um, a great...er,' said another university, eyes darting around the room. 'By the way, have you seen Russell?'