University Academy College Church Firestation 91

Street Fighter II: 'The big one'

A press release from Fundermental Towers University

In preparation for our fifth anniversary celebrations on 27 November 2017, Fundermental Towers University (FTU) is today announcing an exciting new venture.

FTU was founded in a glorious golden shower of publicity in anno domini 2012. Since then, we have completely transformed the higher education landscape in the greater Rochester area, from the strong and stable R2D2 strategic alliance, to the bold and brave rebranding exercise, to the exciting and enormous renaming the titles of all of our senior managers and faculty. And don't get me started on the Monopoly set and 'Latitude' Prize.

No, no one can accuse us of being laggards. However, our critics - like the splitters at Snodhurst University who have decided to leave the R2D2 Alliance citing 'musical differences' - are suggesting we've run out of steam.

Nothing could be further from the truth, as our new venture will today prove. I am delighted to announce the creation of the UK's very first 'University Academy College Church Firestation 91'.

'Bird of a Feather' to Join UKRI

In an announcement that has shocked the sector, Birds of Feather star and national treasure Pauline Quirke has been appointed as Programme Director of UKRI, the umbrella organisation for bringing together the Research Councils, organising the REF and distributing Brexit sweeteners.

'Whilst I very much admire her acting talents, her appointment to this pivotal role has taken me by surprise,' said Professor Gymslip Plimsole, Vice-Chancellor of Fundermental Towers University. 'I just hope that she gets on okay with Mr Gimlet.' 

Any similarity to Anne Dixon, Chief Operating Officer of Innovate UK, is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Quirke

Dixon

Faster, Higher, Stronger

It was reported this week that the House of Lords regarded the Government's proposal to categorise universities as gold, silver and bronze as 'extremely damaging'.

Here at Fundermental Towers University (FTU) we wish to distance ourselves from the peers' narrow and antiquated disgust with a viable and popular rating system. Those aged lords and bishops just need to get over themselves and get with the times. Don't they realise that everything is rated these days, and there is no finer system than one based on Olympian metals?

In fact, we would encourage the Government to go further in aligning with the Olympic ideals. Not only should the TEF use these labels, but universities should be expected to demonstrate the Olympic ideals of Citius, Altius, Fortius, or Faster, Higher, Stronger. 

Eaae Ie Oi Aae

Coming up with a good name for a university is a fraught activity. One needs to give the impression of being steeped in tradition whilst being modern, thrusting, and super-innovative.

As you can imagine, it took countless hours in committee to decide on 'Fundermental Towers University'. Members were clearly divided into two camps, those that wanted Fundermental Towers University, and those that wanted to pay homage to the site of our campus, and call ourselves Acacia Avenue University.

The Rochester By-Election: the View from FTU

A message from the Vice Chancellor of Fundermental Towers University (FTU)

As many of you know, FTU's main campus is located at 2 Acacia Avenue, at the very heart of the dreaming towers of Rochester. No surprise, then, that the world's media were keen to know what our response was to the recent election of the Ukip's second MP in our constituency. To be honest, I was seething. That upstart Reckless stole my victory.