2 Acacia Avenue
Rochester
Kent
WE-R GR8
Dear valued member of staff
Coronavirus
I am writing to let you know that, henceforth - or is it forthwith? I never can remember - all of our teaching will be delivered virtually to ensure that none of our valued students give us a scathing review on the NSS.
The University has invested heavily in the latest online technology, and all course material will be delivered seamlesly via Teletext. There is also the option to receive paper copies of handouts via fax, and you can sign up for the latest news via your pager. If you are not - so to speak - on the internets, we do provide a carrier pigeon option. We take full accessibility very seriously.
In addition I wanted to scotch the rumours I've heard that the coronavirus pandemic is being used as a stealthy way for management to introduce compulsory redundancies. There is no truth in the stories that have been circulating about it being a 'dry run' to show that we don't really need that many members of staff anyway.
Yes, there will be substantial savings on energy and cleaning costs across our Acacia Avenue campus, and yes: we are aware that paying an intern in the IT department to load course content is remarkably cheap.
However, we value all of our staff, and to lose any one of them would be a blow to our very soul from which we would struggle to recover. Having said that, if any of them succumb to Covid-19, they won't be replaced.
Yours in sickness and in health
Professor Gymslip Plimsole
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