Tuesday, 26 September 2017

University Academy College Church Firestation 91

Street Fighter II: 'The big one'
A press release from Fundermental Towers University

In preparation for our fifth anniversary celebrations on 27 November 2017, Fundermental Towers University (FTU) is today announcing an exciting new venture.

FTU was founded in a glorious golden shower of publicity in anno domini 2012. Since then, we have completely transformed the higher education landscape in the greater Rochester area, from the strong and stable R2D2 strategic alliance, to the bold and brave rebranding exercise, to the exciting and enormous renaming the titles of all of our senior managers and faculty. And don't get me started on the Monopoly set and 'Latitude' Prize.

No, no one can accuse us of being laggards. However, our critics - like the splitters at Snodhurst University who have decided to leave the R2D2 Alliance citing 'musical differences' - are suggesting we've run out of steam.

Nothing could be further from the truth, as our new venture will today prove. I am delighted to announce the creation of the UK's very first 'University Academy College Church Firestation 91'.

This is in *no way* a cheap attempt to steal a march on the University Academy '92, whatever Snodhurst might say.

It's clearly a far superior enterprise. For a start, we have an additional three institutional descriptors in the title. This demonstrates our commitment to the new venture and, as even Gary Neville knows, the more institutional descriptors you have in your title, the better you are.

I understand that that was the clinching argument for the Department of Education, which has the key to the university naming cupboard, and has allowed UA92 to give bachelor degrees in Footballing Prowess and Delusional 1966 Nostalgia Studies.

Moreover, you'll notice that two of our institutional descriptors aren't even anything to do with education. That's impact and stakeholder engagement right there. Our name could be a REF case study and we wouldn't even have to justify it!

And finally, it's 1991. I mean, that's the year before 1992, and must therefore be better. We toyed with the idea of going right back to 1990. But that would just be ridiculous.

The UACCF91 will be a beacon of excellence in the provision of degrees in the study of Street Fighter II. As all good historians know its release was the pivotal event of that year. The fall of the Soviet Union, the Gulf War, and the collapse of Yugoslavia may also have happened, but SFII was the big one.

As ever, FTU is setting the agenda, and Snodhurst will be ruing the day it walked away from us. UACCF91 will be the jewel in the R2D2 crown, a mighty symbol of modernity and disruptive thinking. There's no question now that we've got the Russell Group - including Snodhurst - on the run.


Notes for editors:

  • Fundermental Towers University was established on 27 November 2012. 
  • It is a top 10 university, according to the latest Complete University League Table of all universities in the Greater Rochester area established on or around 27 November 2012. This includes universities established on both 26th and 28th of November.
  • It has one of the highest National Student Satisfaction (NSS) survey scores in the crucial 'Access to Daytime TV' category.
  • Its state of the art campus includes both back and front gardens.
  • Its groundbreaking overseas campus in a tent at the Eurocamp site on the Costa Brava gives students access to world class crazy golf facilities.
  • It was a founding partner of the R2D2 Strategic Alliance, along with Ebbsfleet White Horse (Unrampant), and Deangate Ridge Golfing Academy. Snodhurst was a member but we don't talk about them anymore. 
  • It is the proud sponsor of the Latitude Prize: Building Yesterday Tomorrow, which seeks to divert the attention of time wasters and conspiracy theorists globally. The Lizard People can also take part.
  • Although it didn't quite make the list of most international universities, it does have an excellent range of Phileas Fogg Aromatic Spice and Sweet Chilli Poppadoms. And that's essentially the same thing.
  • It is in no way, at all, associated with Snodhurst University. If you say it is there'll be words. 

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