Wednesday, 26 August 2015

The Life of McKinsey, Nurse and Brian

The People's Review of the Research Councils.
Or is it the Popular Research Council Review?
Earlier this month it became clear that the Department of Business, Innovation and Skills had commissioned management consultants McKinsey to review its budget and recommend where cuts could be made. At the same time the Nurse Review is ongoing.

Now read on.

The sewers below Death Star House. A group of revolutionaries, freedom fighters and management consultants are talking in urgent whispers.

McKinsey (for it is he): Once in the building, timing will be of the essence. There's a Research Council feast later in the evening, so we must move fast. And don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Geoffrey Crossick Memorial Sewer, and from there proceed directly to the hypocaust. This has just been retiled, so consultants: careful with those weapons! We will now be directly beneath Rylance's audience chamber itself. This is the moment we strike!

Suddenly a second group of revolutionaries, freedom fighters and management consultants appear. The leader comes forward.

Nurse (for it is he): The People's Review of the Research Councils!
McKinsey: Oh, umm...The Popular Research Council Review. Officials.
Nurse: Oh.
McKinsey: What's your group doing here?
Nurse: We're going to do a review, recommend they merge the Research Councils, then demand payment.
McKinsey: So are we.
Nurse: What?
McKinsey: That's our plan.
Nurse: We were here first.
McKinsey: What do you mean?
Nurse: We thought of it first.
McKinsey: Oh, yeah?
Nurse: Yeah. Just before the end of the last government.
All members of The Popular Research Council Review: Ohohoh...
Nurse: We did!
McKinsey: Okay, c-co-come on. You got all your demands worked out, eh?
Nurse: 'Course we have.
McKinsey: What are they?
Nurse: Well, I'm not telling you.
McKinsey: Oh, come on. Pull the one!
Nurse: That's not the point! We thought of it before you!
McKinsey: Did not.
Nurse: We did!
McKinsey: You didn't.
Nurse: We bloody did!
All revolutionaries, freedom fighters and management consultants except Nurse and McKinsey: Ssh! Ssh!
Nurse: You bastards! We've been planning this for months!
McKinsey: Well, tough titty for you, fish face! Aoh, ooh! Sorry!
All revolutionaries, freedom fighters and management consultants except Brian: Ah, ouh! You slime! Sorry! Arrgh!
Brian: Brothers, brothers! We should be struggling together!
McKinsey: We are! Ohh.
Brian: We mustn't fight each other! Surely, we should be united against the common enemy!
All revolutionaries, freedom fighters and management consultants except Brian: The Research Council Review by the People?!
Brian: No, no, the Research Councils!
All revolutionaries, freedom fighters and management consultants except Brian: Oh, yeah...yeah. Yes. Yeah, he's right.
Revolutionary 1: Look out!
Revolutionary 2: Careful!

Footsteps are heard, and disappear. The revolutionaries, freedom fighters and management consultants stay still. 

Nurse: Right! Where were we?
McKinsey: Umm...you were going to punch him. Aah, eh.
Nurse: Oh, yeah. Auh, eh.
All revolutionaries, freedom fighters and management consultants except Brian: Aouh! Arrgh! [Thump][Thump] Arrgh...aie!
Brian: Brothers! [The rest of the revolutionaries, freedom fighters and management consultants simultaneously slay each other. A group of Research Council security guards suddenly appear.] Oh. 

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