|A successful Research Council applicant awaits his grant.|
'In order for the Research Councils to manage their budgets effectively,' ran the statement, '[and] allowing for additional investments whilst also maintaining their responsive mode commitments and success rate, we are intending to not actually hand out any money.'
'This should increase our success rate to 100%. We will say yes to all applications without being shackled to the inconvenience of limited resources. We will, essentially, offer everything to everyone. In theory.'
'As well as the obvious cost savings, the new policy will have two clear additional benefits. First, it will drastically reduce response times. Applicants will hear the outcome of proposal within a week. Possibly overnight. Second, it will make the post award grant management much easier to handle, and will cut down on administration costs,' the statement concluded.
When questioned about how the money saved would be spent, a spokesman for RCUK said that it needed all of the funding to 'fight off the various reviews that are hanging over our heads,' before admitting that the lion's share will go on 'sweets and executive desk toys'.