What BBC Celebrity Can I Swap My VC for?

When the Times Higher announced the results of the Vice Chancellors' salary survey 2017 in June there was outrage in some parts of academia and beyond. The salary of Bath's VC, Prof Dame Glynis Breakwell, was 'morally indefensible', wailed the Bath Chronicle, quoting the local MP Wera Hobhouse.

However, the subsequent revelations about BBC pay has put it all in to perspective. Prof Dame Glynis' £451k could only buy you a Claudia Winkleman or a Matt Baker. Steve Wright wouldn't even get out of bed for that. However, it's worth noting that you could get three Darcey Bussells, or possibly one and a half Sue Barkers. Or, if you shop around, a newsroom including Gavin Esler, Justin Webb and Kirsty Wark.

Hmm. Maybe she's not the bargain I thought.

Well, to put things into perspective, and to offer a little light summer reading, Fundermentals is offering you a cut-out-and-keep guide to the trade in value of your VCs. It might just be worth leaving around your senior common room. Good to keep them on their toes.

£100,000-£149,999: The Cut Price Crowd
Bishop Grosseteste Glasgow School of Art Leeds College of Art Rose Bruford Royal Conservatoire Scotland Royal Northern College of Music	I'm sorry. You're going to have to up your offer. Really, at that kind of price tag you're not going to even get a basic Jonathan Agnew. Possibly half an Aggers: you could see if he's up for a jobshare. Or a quarter of an Alan Shearer. You might as well ask; your options are limited if you want a bit of showbiz sparkle.
£150,000-£199,000: The News Room
Abertay Chichester Courtauld Cumbria Gloucestershire Harper Adams Leeds Trinity Liverpool Institute of Performing Arts London London Institute of Banking Finance Newman Norwich University of Arts Ravensbourne Royal Academy of Music Royal Agricultural University Royal Central School of Speech and Drama St Mary Twickenham SRUC Suffolk Trinity Laban	Yes, essentially you can afford the jobbing journos. Moira Stuart, Justin Webb, Kamal Ahmed, Jeremy Bowen, Ben Brown, Mark Easton, Gavin Esler, James Naughtie, John Pienaar, Sophie Raworth, John Simpson and Kirsty Wark. All available to distribute degrees and smile in promotional material. Alternatively, if you're feeling a little showbiz, you could get Darcey Bussell or Craig Horwood off Strictly instead. How about Adrian Chiles or Clare Balding? You're in with a shout.
£200,000-£249,999: A Mixed Bag
Arts University Bournemouth Bangor Birmingham City Bolton Bradford Bucks Derby Bedfordshire UEA Edinburgh Napier Essex Goldsmiths Greenwich Heriot Watt Highlands & Islands Keele Kingston Leeds Beckett London Met Loughborough Northampton Oxford Brookes QMU Regents University London Robert Gordon Royal College of Art Royal College of Music St Andrews St Georges University St Mark St John Salford SOAS University of South Wales Southampton Solent Staffordshire Sunderland University College Birmingham UCA University of West London University of West Scotland Winchester York York St John	There aren't many places where Dannii Minogue and Alan Yentob would rub shoulders. But they're both in line to be your next VC. Yes, their BBC salaries are in line with those of your VC, so who knows? If you play your cards right.... Elsewhere you might want a bit of Strictly glamour: you could get Len or Bruno. Equally Jools Holland's in the frame, as is sweary Dr Who Peter Capaldi. Now *that's* the kind of shake up Senate might need...
£250,000-£299,999: the Favoured Few
UEL Bath Spa Bournemouth Brighton Bristol Brunel Canterbury Christ Church University Cardiff Cardiff Met UCLAN Chester Coventry Dundee Durham Edinburgh Falmouth Glasgow Glasgow Caledonian Hertfordshire Hull Institute of Cancer Research Kent Lancaster Leeds Leicester Lincoln Liverpool Hope Liverpool John Moores Liverpool School of Tropical Medicine LSHTM London South Bank Manchester Middlesex Newcastle Northumbria Nottingham Trent Plymouth Portsmouth QMUL Queens Belfast Reading Roehampton Royal Veterinary College Stirling Surrey Sussex Swansea Teesside Ulster University of the Arts London University of the West England Westminster Wolverhampton	Although most VCs fit within this pay bracket (an impressive 53 of all UK HEIs), I'm afraid the BBC talent is more scant.  So you'd better be quick. You can choose from a clutch of DJs - Zoe Ball, Ken Bruce, Scott Mills or Trevor Nelson - a hat-trick of journos - Nick Robinson, Evan Davis or George Alaghiah - or go for one of your own, with the lovely, whispery Manchester Professor of Loveliness, Brian Cox. The choice, Cilla, is yours.
£300,000-£349,999: The Arched Eyebrow
Aberystwyth Aston Anglia Ruskin Aberdeen Cambridge City De Montfort Edge Hill Glyndwr Huddersfield Liverpool Man Met Open RHUL Sheffield Hallam University of Wales/St David Worcester	A slim choice of four, most of whom specialise in arched eyebrows and sideways glances to camera: Eddie Mair, Nick Knowles, Lauren Laverne, or Sue Barker. I know. Might be best to stick with what you've got. Unless you want unfettered access to Wimbledon, or part of your estates are in desperate need of a bit of DIY SOS.
£350,000-£399,999: The Odd Trio
Birkbeck Cranfield Exeter Imperial Kings LSE Nottingham Oxford Strathclyde UCL	Really, there's very little that unites Fiona Bruce, Nick Grimshaw and Tess Daly. Other than that they're in the same pay bracket as your VC, of course. Still, if you need someone who's good with antiques, can get up at the crack of dawn, or keep a panel of loudmouths in check, this selection might just be for you.
£400,000-£449,999: Kings of the Sofa
Birmingham London Business School Sheffield Warwick	If you've got a sofa you need to test-drive, this could be the selection for you. And, as luck would have it, you have the cash to lure them away. Andrew Marr, Nicky Campbell, Alan Shearer, Alex Jones and - um - Stephen Nolan. I think the last of these are for our Northern Irish readers only. I'm not sure of his sofa credentials.
£450,000-£499,999: Sparkle and Shine
Bath	Yes, Bath, this is for you. You're only outspent by Southampton. For you, we have the finest riches available to humanity. Or rather, Claudia Winkleman or Matt Baker. No, I don't understand the BBC remuneration system either.
£650,000-£699,999: the Gruff Welsh
Southampton	Ah, Southampton. You're in a field of one, and are the only university that could afford – indeed, afford and then have change left over – either the irascible John Humphrys or the grumpy Huw Edwards. In addition you can afford pretty much the rest of the BBC roster. Except Jeremy Vine, Steve Wright, Graham Norton, Chris Evans or Gary Lineker.  But who wants them?