Wednesday, 8 October 2014

It's All Gone a Bit Graphene

A graphene Fiona Bruce
There was news last month of Manchester building a second graphene hub. Now read on.

The set of the Antiques Roadshow, October 2525. Everyone is dressed in graphene, and are sitting around graphene tables under graphene parasols. A graphene Fiona Bruce presents. 

Bruce: Welcome to Antiques Roadshow. You join us this week in the beautiful surroundings of Graphene Palace, an early twenty first centre mansion in the Palladian style, but the first building in Britain to be built entirely from graphene.
Audience: gasps of disbelief
Bruce: I know, I know, it's hard to believe now, but in the early twenty first century little was known about graphene, and a huge amount of research effort and time was spent in finding out more about it. It was seen as the wonder substance.
Audience: laugh incredulously
Bruce: It was thought to be the next big thing. Little did our forebears know that it would become so ubiquitous and essentially worthless. But let's go over to our experts to find out what graphene objects have been brought to us today.
The camera pans around to a table where a graphene Eric Knowles is examining a pot.
Knowles: So tell me, how did you come by this pot?

Guest: Well, I was clearing out my graphene gran's attic, and in amongst all the graphene goods I found this. 'Odd', I thought. 'It doesn't seem to have the same grey, graphene shimmer that I'm used to. So I thought I'd bring it along for you to have a look at.
Knowles: I'm glad you did! It's been many years since I've seen one of these. Do you have any idea what it is?
Guest: Graphene?
Knowles: (laughs) Well, I'm not surprised you say that, but no. This is something much rarer.
Guest: Early graphene?
Knowles: No! Now you might have learnt about this in history at school. It's actually something that used to be known as 'plastic'.
Guest: Eh?
Knowles: Yes! It was very popular at one time. Almost as popular as graphene. All sorts of things were made out of it. Phones, TV screens...
Guests: Hover cars?
Knowles: Well, I think this predates hover cars somewhat. Now this particular 'plastic' pot - let me see (puts in eyepiece to examine markings). Ah yes, as I thought. It was used as a container for... 'margarine'.
Guest: Was that an early form of graphene?
Knowles: No: people actually used to spread it on their bread.
Guest: Bread?
Knowles: Bread was a very common foodstuff. A bit like sliced graphene. (puts in eyepiece again). Oh! This is exciting. It appears that this was made by one of the premier margarine artisans of the day, 'Flora'.
Audience: Ooooh!
Knowles: So have you any idea what it's worth?
Guest: Oh, I haven't thought...price isn't important. It was my gran's so it will always be important to me. But how much is it?
Knowles: Well a non-graphene margarine container in this condition, if it were to come on the open market today...well, it's been a while since we've had such a pristine example of anything that isn't made of graphene...
Guest: Yes? Yes?
Knowles: Well you would expect to get around six zillion graphenes!
Audience shrieks, Some have to be taken away on graphene stretchers.
Knowles: So be careful with it now! (hands it back to the guest, who holds it with reverence and leaves, bowing. Another guest appears and sits down). 
Knowles: Ah! Now what do we have here? (examines the second guest's object). Oh. A portable graphene nuclear fusion generator. I'm afraid this is almost worthless.
Audience pelt the guest with genetically modified graphene for wasting their time.

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