Friday, 27 October 2017

'Are you - or have you ever been - a victim of anti-Brexit bias?'

Wanted: McCarthyites for fun times. 

Dear Daily Mail

I am writing this by candle light inside a small cupboard in the so called 'Registry'. The Anti-Brexit Stormtroopers are everywhere. They march down the corridor at all hours, banging on our doors, demanding that we remove all signs of Britishness including our Great British Bake Off calendar and our National Trust poster, checking to see that all of our measuring jugs are metric and that we know all of the words to 'Ode to Joy.'

They are monitoring our thoughts with their sophisticated Remainer mind techniques. I know it. I am trying to keep my mind blank so that they don't pick up on my desire for a return to a time when we were allowed to holiday on polluted beaches and watch Benny Hill and the Two Ronnies on endless repeat. Before all those Apple Macs and skinny lattes came along and spoilt everything.

It's been hell, my dear DM, but you, you have been a glimmer of hope throughout my ordeal. You have been a beacon of sense. You have backed our brave leaders. You were there when bold, brave Theresa, 'our Theresa', was crushing the saboteurs. You were there when David, wonderful kind, brave, caring David, showed the wily Europeans what a bit of British resolve was worth. I mean, why should we have to prepare for a meeting, just because they have? No, wonderful, kind, brave David showed them how it was done.

But anyway, I'm getting carried away by the memory of your wonderful campaign. Your bold, wonderful, kind, brave - yes, true - campaign. You are the only thing that's given me hope through these dark months of anti-Brexit brainwashing that I've had to endure.

And thank god you did. You have no idea what it's like to work in a place where professors - professors! - come in and give me so-called facts about the effect that leaving the EU will have on trade, on investment, on employment, on social care. They scoff when I mention the £350m a day that we'll all personally receive. And when they go the Anti-Brexit Stormtroopers come in again and ask about the measuring jugs.

Oh DM, the anti-Brexit bias is intolerable. Working at a university is like working in a mini-European city. It's hell. It's all pavement cafes, intelligent and engaging conversation and theoretical debate. It's all philosophy and rationality. It's disgusting. Young people with foolish notions of travel and working in different countries. They even talk about how the EU put a stop to centuries of European wars! As if that's a good thing! I make sure to scowl when I hear that. They may force me to have metric measuring jugs but they'll never, ever persuade me that the Second World War was a bad thing. I mean are they forgetting Dunkirk? The Blitz? Winston Churchill? The Blitz again?

But the resistance is growing. They can't brainwash us with their so-called facts based on 'evidence' and 'peer reviewed research' forever. I'm remaining true to Benny Hill and the Two Ronnies. Yes, I've experienced anti-Brexit bias, but I will resist. I have already marked my measuring jug with Tippex, showing the 'proper' measurements: fluid ounces, gills, pints, quarts, pecks and bushels. And whilst there's only room for one in this cupboard, I'm sure there are many, many more of us out there. One day, one glorious day, we will arise with one voice, chanting John of Gaunt's dying speech - or possibly just humming the Benny Hill theme tune, if we can't remember the words to that - and we will crush the saboteurs. We'll dig up the Channel Tunnel. And Britain - Great Britain - will be great once again.

Thank you, dear, dear DM, for your light in these dark times.

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