Monday, 7 March 2016

Scottish Universities Move to Outer London Shock

University of Edinburgh, Bromley
After the revelation that 97.6% of the senior civil servants involved in the Northern Powerhouse project were based in London, Fundermentals can exclusively reveal that all of the so called 'Scottish' universities are actually located in a retail park in Bromley.

The shocking revelation was the result of a Freedom of Information request by Fundermentals. Apparently the universities were moved wholesale followed the Scottish Referendum, an attempt by the Conservative government to show Nicola Sturgeon 'who's boss.'

The oldest of the ancient Scottish universities, St Andrews, was given first choice of location, and selected a self-contained lock up adjacent to Kwik Fit.

'Whilst I miss the dramatic shore line, it really is remarkably convenient if you need an MOT,' said one professor. 'And the windows don't rattle. That's another plus.'

The Rector of the University of Edinburgh was less sanguine. 'It's a complete disgrace! After more than four hundred years we're made to share a warehouse with B&Q!

'Admittedly it does increase our appeal to students from non-traditional backgrounds, but every day I have to listen to our academics from the Department of Politics debating with the store manager about who really has - ahem -  'got the power'.'

The University of Aberdeen is next door, in a concession unit at the back of Topps Tiles. 'I wouldn't mind so much, but do you know how long it takes to get to central London from here?' bemoaned the University's Principal, Sir Ian Diamond. 'It was quicker when we were based on the East coast of Scotland.'

Whilst no plans have so far been made to move the universities of Wales and Northern Ireland to London, many commentators think it is inevitable. 'We know of one branch of T K Maxx in Hackney that has applied for degree-awarding powers,' one anonymous source said. 'It can only be a matter of time before Aberystwyth is moved in.'

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