|Jo 'Edmund' Johnson: Sleep Excellence Framework 'to follow'|
'Research and Teaching are only a part of an academic's life' explained Jo 'Edmund' Johnson, Minister of State for Universities, Science and Excessive Assessment. 'We want to get a full understanding, and star rating, for absolutely every single part of it: every moment of every day.'
'The AEF is fairly self explanatory. Academics will have to submit their four best additional duties. They will be peer reviewed by other put-upon academics, and an overall quality profile will be produced. The scoring will be similar to the REF, and will run from 4*, which is internationally recognised as a waste of time, right down to 1*, which is only locally recognised as a waste of time.'
'The FTEF will be more problematic,' went on the less famous brother of Boris, 'due to the extensive range of activities that need to be covered, and the hopelessly limited amount of time in which they have to be completed. This time we will use the Impact Case Study model.'
'Units of Assessment will put forward examples of activities where they feel they have had impact on their home lives. Thus, one might focus on an outstandingly consistent record in putting out the bins, or in reading to the children at night, whereas another might consider sorting out the car insurance as the focus of their case study. We're not being prescriptive about this,' he said, magnanimously.
'The result will be a complete, quality profile for every academic in the UK. The only thing missing will be a Sleep Excellence Framework. However, I believe that's negligible. Nevertheless, we do have plans for that in the next parliament.'