Friday 26 June 2015

RCUK Announces Major Breakthrough in 'Substance Free Strategy'

Groundbreaking 'tri-breast' logo.

RCUK, the umbrella organisation for the UK's Research Councils, announced a major breakthrough in substance-free strategic development today.

In a hastily convened press conference the Chair of RCUK, Prof Rick Rylance, explained the breakthrough.

'Researchers and policy makers have been working for decades, if not centuries, on this problem,' gushed Rylance. 'Is it possible to make policy announcements that are completely without any substance whatsoever? Last night our researchers identified that this was, indeed, the case.'

To collective gasps of astonishment, Rylance continued. 'Our researchers started with a pure distillation of the Bleeding Obvious. They then carefully diluted this to homoeopathic levels until all meaning ceased to exist. I can confirm that that point was reached at 02:31 hours this morning.'

'At that point the sample was rushed to our Design Department. Time was of the essence. If this was to be truly meaningless we had to secure the sample within a leaden logo. Until we had done so there was always a danger that the policy statement could tip back into substance and worth. We had to stop that happening.'

'Happily, I can confirm that the complete lack of substance has been secured with this, the 'Tri-Breast'. It will act in a similar way to Teflon and Titanium: strong enough to stop any penetration or adhesion of meaning.'

When asked to explain the strategy in further detail, Rylance said that this was not possible. 'I've read it literally hundreds of times, and I can't remember a word of it. It's a thing of rare beauty. I believe there's something in there about RCUK supporting Research, which should lead to Innovation, and, in turn economic growth. But beyond that you're on your own.'

Rylance confirmed that the strategy was currently being held in a high security environment. 'If politicians ever get hold of this, our democracy will be at risk,' he said. 'Indeed, recent Government announcements suggest that microscopic particles of the strategy have already escaped and infected Whitehall thinking. We must remain vigilant'.

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