Thursday, 27 November 2014

The Rochester By-Election: the View from FTU

A message from the Vice Chancellor of Fundermental Towers University (FTU)

As many of you know, FTU's main campus is located at 2 Acacia Avenue, at the very heart of the dreaming towers of Rochester. No surprise, then, that the world's media were keen to know what our response was to the recent election of the Ukip's second MP in our constituency. To be honest, I was seething. That upstart Reckless stole my victory.

Potential collaborator,
'Hairy' Knorm Davidson,
prior to Cheesy Wotsits
Right up until Thursday evening I thought I had it in the bag. I had come to 'an understanding' with the Monster Raving Loony Party's 'Hairy' Knorm Davidson over some Cheesy Wotsits in the Fiddler's Arms the previous week, whereby we had agreed to go into coalition should the result be tied.

However, the Ukips came up on the inside, and pipped me to the post by a mere 16,867 votes. Gracious in defeat I offered to award Reckless an honorary doctorate, on the understanding that FTU could have first dibs on any illegal immigrants that he was intending to deport. It could potential be transformative for our student numbers.

For some reason he has not returned my call. 'Hairy' Knorm and I intend to stand vigil in front of his constituency office until he comes to the negotiation table. Readers should be assured that I will keep them fully informed of progress at this difficult - but potentially exciting - time.

Yours in regretful hope,

Prof Gymslip Plimsole

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