Monday, 17 September 2012

'I Find your Lack of Faith Disturbing'

Triggered by Dr Who's appearance at the STFC, Fundermentals has been leaked a draft of the next Star Wars film, provisionally entitled Star Wars Episode VII: A New Hopelessness: 

[The Conference Room of Polaris House, Death Star Avenue. Eight Imperial EPSRC senators and generals sit around a black conference table. Imperial stormtroopers stand guard around the room. Commander Emecz, a nervous looking young general, is speaking.]

General Emecz: Until this policy is fully operational we are vulnerable. The Rebel Alliance is too well equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize.

General Hayter, Commander of Capability, twists in his chair.

General Hayter: Dangerous to your PR, Commander, not to this Agenda!
Emecz: The Rebellion will continue to gain support in the Sector as long as....

[Suddenly all heads turn as the Grand Moff Golby, governor of the Imperial outland regions, enters. He is followed by his powerful ally, The Sith Lord, Darth Delpy. All of the generals stand and bow before the governor as he takes his place at the head of the table. The Dark Lord stands behind him.] 

Governor Golby: The Sector will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the combined forces of the REF and the new fees regime has destroyed the Sector permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.
Emecz: That's impossible! How will we have any control without buy in from the grassroots in the Sector?
Golby: The RCUK governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this Agenda.
Hayter: What of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have obtained a complete overview of our plans for the 'Shaping Capability' Agenda, it is possible, however unlikely, they might find a weakness and exploit it.
Darth DelpyThe plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.
Hayter: Any attack made by the Rebels against this Agenda would be a useless gesture, no matter what supporting data they have obtained. This Agenda is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!
Darth Delpy: Don't be too proud of this policy terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a discipline is insignificant next to the power of Academic Backlash.
Hayter: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Delpy. Your sad devotion to that ancient Academic Jedi religion has not helped you conjure up the trust of the community, or given you enough clairvoyance to find the rebels' hidden fortress...

[Vader makes a pinching motion and Hayter starts choking]

Darth Delpy I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Golby: Enough of this! Delpy, release him!
Darth Delpy: As you wish.

[He drops him, and swooshes from the Room to get a cup of tea from the RUCK canteen]

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