Strictly Come Reshuffle

The Johnsons have long been known to keep power in the family. With the ascent of Boris, Stanley isn't far behind and Jo - troublesome Jo - would be very welcome in the tent if only he didn't keep resigning. 

The love of family has been evident in the recent reshuffle too. In a surprise move the ministerial brief for universities and science has been split into two: one for universities and one for science. 

Liam Neeson to lead 'Transformation' of UKRI

Never short of a controversy or two, UKRI has selected a fellow courter of controversy to lead on it's - ahem - 'transformation': Liam Neeson.

As anyone who's watched all 23 Taken films, 'transformation' can only mean one thing, and it usually ends badly for anyone who crosses the 66 year old Northern Irish star.

Any relation to Geoff Robins, formerly of various arms companies, is entirely coincidental.

Robbins

Neeson

The Right Trousers

EPSRC, in a bold move, has chosen small business owner Wendolene Ramsbottom to be its Executive Chair.

Having his 'Cake'

After the summer break, welcome back. We're back with a bang and a brand new lookalike. Over at the subsection of the UKRI behemoth that deals with creative types, the AHRC, a new Director of Research took the helm before the summer.

Yes,Chris Morris, the former presenter of The Day Today, the seminal take on rolling news coverage in the 1990s, is back. Taking satire to a whole new level, the new show will poke fun at the insanity of modern quangoery, and in particular life inside a nine-headed pushmi-pullyu.

Any similarity to Edward Harcourt is, of course, entirely coincidental and completely outrageous.

You Wouldn't Let It Lie

Big news in the short-staffed Department for Exiting the European Union. They've managed to get Bob Mortimer, partner of Vic Reeves, to step up to the plate as its Chief Scientist.

This is excellent news. In these troubled times it's important to have clowns and comedians at the helm. I mean, it worked for David Davis, didn't it?

Any relation to Chris Jones, the Department's Director for Justice, Security and Migration is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Mortimer

Jones

CSA Sloth-Dolphin Shock

I'm sure, like me, many of you are mystified by the latest advert from Three. It features a cross between a sloth and a dolphin that was felt, in some way, to represent the idea of unlimited downloads on your mobile phone.

No, me neither. Still, it kept a lot of creatives busy, and for that we should be grateful. However, I assumed that was the last we'd hear of the sloth/dolphin. His abilities and appeal seemed, after all, a little niche.

Imagine my surprise, then, when it was announced that the same sloth/dolphin has just been made the Government's interim Chief Scientific Adviser. Who'd have guessed he was so multi-talented?

Any similarity to Chris Whitty is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Sloth/dolphin

Whitty

Exclusive: Eraserhead Appointed as CFO of UKRI

In a shocking development UKRI, the self-styled 'best funder in the world ever', has announced that Eraserhead would be its first Chief Finance Officer.

'These are exciting times for us,' enthused Mark Walport, self-styled 'bionic man and best CEO of a funding body in the world ever'. 'And exciting times means we need to appoint exciting people. Eraserhead has had much previous experience in caring for difficult newborns, in desolate, post-apocalyptic landscapes. As such he is an ideal candidate for leading this new, best-funder-in-the-world-ever, through a post-Brexit UK.'

Any relation to Ian Kenyon, formerly of Cancer Research UK, is entirely coincidental.

Eraserhead

Kenyon

The Birdman of ARMA

On the opening day of the annual ARMA Conference, it seemed only fitting to honour one of ARMA's finest: Kent's former Director of Research Services, and now LSE's Director of the Research Division, Michael Keaton.

And I know what you're all thinking: what is a Hollywood superstar doing in the world of research management? But you're asking the wrong question. Really, the salient point here is why aren't there more Hollywood superstars battering on the ARMA doors, wanting to be let in?

Well, just because you don't hear them doesn't mean they're not there. I understand that the only reason that Eddie Redmayne took the Theory of Everything gig was to get near to the privileged ground of the Cambridge Research Operations Office. Similar story with Russell Crowe, A Beautiful Mind and Princeton Office of Research and Project Administration.

'Bird of a Feather' to Join UKRI

In an announcement that has shocked the sector, Birds of Feather star and national treasure Pauline Quirke has been appointed as Programme Director of UKRI, the umbrella organisation for bringing together the Research Councils, organising the REF and distributing Brexit sweeteners.

'Whilst I very much admire her acting talents, her appointment to this pivotal role has taken me by surprise,' said Professor Gymslip Plimsole, Vice-Chancellor of Fundermental Towers University. 'I just hope that she gets on okay with Mr Gimlet.' 

Any similarity to Anne Dixon, Chief Operating Officer of Innovate UK, is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Quirke

Dixon

Mr Gimlet and Hard Brexit

 News, this week, that the Department for Exiting from the European Union has been open to receiving advice from scientists, according to Mr Gimlet, from Viz's Finbarr Saunders (and his double entendres).

Any similarity to Prof Mark Walport is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Gimlet

Walport

Nick Robinson Takes over at BA

Amidst all the resignations and reshuffles following the EU Referendum, some of you might not have noticed that top BBC politico Nick Robinson has been sworn in as the new head of the British Academy. And not before time. After all those hours standing in front of Downing Street, and then getting up at 3am to present the Today programme, it's about time he had a job that included civilised working conditions. And nowhere is more civilised than 10-11 Carlton House Terrace.

Any resemblance to eminent historian Prof Sir David Cannadine is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Robinson

Cannadine

Rampling and Wonnacott to Join ERC Scientific Council

Exciting news from the European Research Council. Not only have they secured the services of A list Hollywood legend Charlotte Rampling, but even more excitingly they've bagged former Bargain Hunt presenter and Strictly Come Dancing contestant, Tim Wonnacott.  This is most reassuring: with a partnership like that, the future success of European research is in safe hands.

Rampling

Wonnacott

Any resemblance to Prof Barbara Romanowicz and Prof Sir Chris Clark is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Romanowicz

Clark

Blofeld to Join ERC

Exciting news from the European Research Council. They've managed to secure the services of Tarantino favourite and Bond villain Christoph Waltz as a new Vice President alongside the two current incumbents.

This is very exciting news and will, I think, take the ERC in new and interesting directions. Any resemblance to Prof Klaus Bock of the Danish National Research Foundation is, of course, entirely coincidental.

Waltz

Bock

King Mekon

In a shock announcement from BIS it has been revealed that the Department has agreed to share its the same leader as the Treens of northern Venus.

'I really don't see what all the fuss is about,' commented a BIS spokesman. 'In times of austerity, this makes perfect sense. We are sharing ministerial costs of the Mekon with the Treens. Even factoring in the cost of the levitating chair, and the somewhat lengthy commute, it's all entirely reasonable.'

Any resemblance to Sajid Javid, Conservative MP for Bromsgrove, is entirely coincidental.

Javid

Mekon

Lundegaard to Head up UK Universities

The landscape has changed. The earth has shifted. After four years in post David 'Two Brains' Willetts has stepped down as Minister of State for Universities and Science. He has held the post in both opposition and government since 2005. As the dust settles on the reshuffle, one thing is clear: David Cameron's been avidly watching the DVD of Fargo. Why else would he get on the blower and offer the hapless Jerry Lundegaard the most prestigious position in higher education?

You're darn tootin'!

Lundegaard

Clark

Don't Call Me Drum n' Bass

Welcome back to a new term. As we dust off our tinsel-tousled hair from the break, it's time to turn our faces once again to the wonderland of research funding. And what better way to ease us into the new term than a quick lookalike?

You will have mourned the recent death of Naked Gun and Airplane actor Leslie Nielsen. Well, mourn no more: his spirit lives on in the candidate for the AHRC's Chairmanship, Drummond 'D&B' Bone.

Yes, I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

Nielsen

Bone

'Frog One' to Head Science at NERC

It's been a while, hasn't it? And hey, it is (nearly) the end of the week. So here's another in our sporadic series of lookalikes. This time NERC has taken the brave move to appoint the baddie from 1971 thriller The French Connection as its Director of Science.
Iain Gilliespie, AKA Alan Charnier, AKA 'Frog One', was previously Head of the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD)'s Science and Technology Policy Division. As far as Fundermentals is aware, he has never tried to smuggle anything, from Marseilles or elsewhere, in the boot of an unsuspecting French TV personality. However, if anyone has information to the contrary...

Charnier

Gillespie

AHRC Chief to Star in Game of Thrones. Possibly

Whilst Fundermentals has at its heart a Reithian public service remit, we know that it's readership is less high minded. Especially on Fridays.

Well who am I to stand in the way of pubic demand? Ladies and gentlemen I bring you, courtesy of my estimable colleague Brian Lingley, a lookalike! I feel humbled in the presence of such genius.

Here we have AHRC supremo Prof Rick Rylance and Game of Thrones actor Clive Russell. The likeness is uncanny. Moreover, although I've never watched it, the ever-reliable Wikipedia tells me that the first series of Game of Thrones 'follows the members of several noble houses in a civil war for the Iron Throne of the Seven Kingdoms.'  The fact that there are seven Research Councils is surely just a coincidence, and that there's no vying amongst the Council CEOs for the ultimate power of the RCUK Chair. One ring to rule them all! Or am I getting my grim, bloody mythological fantasies mixed up?

Bread and circuses, people, bread and circuses...

Russell

Rylance

You're Better than That

Well, it feels like an awfully long time since I last posted. 17 Dec! That's almost a month. In the intervening period I've managed to forget everything I once knew, but I'm sure it'll come back to me. Just remind me, what does REF stand for again?

In the meantime the Times Higher gave me a gift that would warm the heart of any research manager: they published my letter. Whilst I live in the county that gave the world 'Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells', I hope the final piece doesn't come across like that:

For those of you who can't read my shaky mobile phone photo, here's the text online. They had to edit it slightly because of space constrictions (eg I gave the figures for 2010-11 as well), but I hope my point came across. What I was wanting to highlight was the fact that it's very easy to make assumptions based on institutional reputation. Everyone would assume that Russell Group or 94 Group universities would outperform a non-aligned university like the OU. However, when you question this it reveals some surprises.

But the publication of my letter was as a molehill next to the Everest-like achievement of my Private Eye Lookalike publication. I may have forgotten everything I know, but this will stay with me forever.

Private Eye Lookalikes: 4* Output?

Having cut my teeth (metaphorically) on the great and the good from RCUK (for example here, here and here) I have finally reached the acme of the lookalike world. Never mind an article in Nature, there is no more prestigious publication in the lookalike discipline than Private Eye.

My life is complete. However, it does beg the question: is this a REFable output? If so, what is the impact factor of Private Eye? Is there an H index for lookalikes? How can I track my citations? Do 'likes' on Facebook count? *Sigh* Having reached this acme, I realise that all I've done is open up a world of academic angst...