UKRI: the Movie

The poster for the new movie, to feature John Kingman

Well, it's all become clear.

The secrecy, the spiralling budget. The recruitment of John Kingman. For a long time UKRI just didn't make any kind of sense.

But this evening, all has been revealed. 20th Century Fox has announced that it has been in talks with the UK government over the third in the Kingsman spy series, to be based around a shady and little understood but extremely powerful organisation that controls every element of society.

'Yeah, we decided the series needed a reboot,' drawled director Matthew Vaughn. 'The whole Elton John thing in The Golden Circle,' he winces at the memory, 'well, let's just not go there. What we needed was a whole new outlook. Something serious. Something magnificent. Something truly British.

'So I said to the producers, 'you know what? Let's get us a real life Kingsman! He can head up the secretive organisation that aims to take over the world. No one will know what they do, or what they might do, or what their purpose is. But they'll control everything! Hell yeah! Maybe we'll have some front guy - I don't know, looks a little like a cartoon character and just spends his time standing next to things and smiling  - but the real power will be the mysterious, shadow-like Kingsman!''

'Well, they loved it. Thing is, we couldn't find a real Kingsman, so we thought Kingman was near enough.'

The response to the news of the film, provisionally called 'Kingman: the Very, Very, Very Secret Service', has been somewhat mixed. Mark Kermode thought that anything would be better than The Golden Circle, and he might not poke his eyes out with his rolled up viewing notes after all. Theresa May was entirely supportive, as long as it led to a few trade deals with non-EU countries.

But the heads of the Research Councils were unhappy. 'We're all for impact, but this is taking it a step too far!' said one, who asked to remain anonymous. 'I mean, people are going to think we're some kind of clandestine, secretive organisation with no accountability to the people it serves. How ridiculous is that!'

Elton John was unavailable for comment.