A Self Cleaning University...with Timer

Self cleaning...with timer

A branch of Currys-PCWorld. A couple wearing matching cagoules wander in clutching a copy of Which? They're immediately accosted by a man in a tight fitting suit and lanyard. 

Lanyard Man: Good morning! Is there anything I can help you with today?
Cagoule Man: Ah...yes. Yes, actually. We've come for a university course.
Lanyard Man: A university course? I think you've come to the wrong place...
Cagoule Man: I don't think so. See, we subscribe to Which? We have done since 1947 when we weren't sure which coal scuttle to invest in. Anyway, we saw that as well as dishwashers and vacuum cleaners they are also reviewing university courses. And we'd like to buy one.
Cagoule Woman: Yes. We want a Best Buy course please. Ideally we want it to be a bit like the Bosch oven we've got. That was a Best Buy too, and it's wonderful.
Cagoule Man: That's right. We want a university course that is right for us. Ideally self cleaning.
Cagoule Woman: And with a timer. I like a timer.
Cagoule Man: And with a timer. Do you have any university courses that are self cleaning with timers?
Lanyard Man: I really don't think that we're...
Cagoule Man: Oh come on! You sell everything! You're practically a Which? outlet! I'm sure you've even got a coal scuttle lurking around here somewhere.
Lanyard Man: Well we do pride ourselves on our range, but university courses...
Cagoule Woman: What do you think of UEA?
Lanyard Man: I couldn't possibly...
Cagoule Woman: It says here they're 'city' 'campus' 'rural'. But they're also 'political' and 'varied union activities'. I'm not sure I like that. Smells a bit of Arthur Scargill.
Cagoule Man: Yes. But we were thinking that because it had a three letter acronym it was probably like AEG, which does very good self cleaning ovens.
Cagoule Woman: With timers.
Cagoule Man: With timers, yes. But there seem to be an awful lot of three letter universities. It's all a bit confusing. There's LSE, UCL, UEL, UWE, DMU...I mean, where to begin?
Cagoule Woman: So which of the Which? scores should we rate more highly? Student Score, Average Graduate Salary, or % of Graduates in Work or Further Study?
Lanyard Man: I'm not sure I could say...
Cagoule Man: Hmm. Well you're not very helpful, are you We clearly need to tackle this another way. Does Bosch do a university?
Lanyard Man: No...[his eyes light up as he remembers something]..But Dyson does!
Cagoule Man and Cagoule Woman: Ooooo!
Cagoule Man: We like Dyson! We've got a Dyson V6 Animal Cordless! It's a Best Buy!
Cagoule Woman: Yes! And James Dyson thinks we're better off outside the European Union! Which is what we think too!
Cagoule Man: That sounds like the university for us! Do you have it in stock?
Lanyard Man: No, as I say, we don't actually stock universities.
Cagoule Woman: Oh that is disappointing. We had £9,000 ready to spend on one. It's here. Ready. In used British pound notes.
Lanyard Man's eyes light up
Lanyard Man: £9,000 you say? Well I'm sure we can find you one somewhere. Come with me. I believe we have some at the back of the store. I know they look like ovens, but they are actually the very finest universities. And they all come as self cleaning. With timers.
Cagoule Man and Cagoule Woman: Ooooo!

Next week on Fundermentals: the Good Housekeeping Institute takes over the REF.