Innovate UK Promises to Simplify Siege Engines

Trebuchet Vouchers 'confusing', admits McKernan

The Chief Executive of the UK's premier producer of catapults, Innovate UK, has promised to simplify the range of medieval siege engine-style funding schemes it creates.

'I appreciate that our range of siege engine schemes may be confusing to many academics and companies who just want a bit of funding to start a collaboration,' admitted Ruth McKernan. 'However, what they don't realise is that, in a crowded funding scheme marketplace, you've really got to stand out from the rest of the competition. And ideally brutally bombard them into submission.'

'Our Catapult Centres have been a great success, but I recognise that our Trebuchet Vouchers and our Graphene Gastraphetes may have confused some. Nevertheless I stand by our Mons Meg Makeovers and our Business Battering Rams.'

When questioned about the notorious Boiling Oil Business Bartering Exchange, which resulted in a whole cohort of student entrepreneurs being admitted to A&E, McKernan was defiant. 'When it comes to sieges, it's a tough world out there,' she said. 'The use of boiling oil helps acclimatise young entrepreneurs to the challenges of modern business. We're currently in negotiations with Lord Sugar to use it in the next series of the Apprentice'.

'Anyway, if we don't spend days dreaming up schemes relating to medieval siege engines, what will we do with our time?' asked McKernan. 'However, I do recognise the need for simplicity, so we've developed this: the Petard-Onager Flamethrower scheme. It provides funding for graphene-related endeavours through a simplified slingshot-style system. With flames. I mean, flames! Slingshot! What's not to like?' she enthused.